it’s never the changes that we want that change everything.

- junot diaz, the brief wondrous life of oscar wao

turns out the the change that i’ve wanted wasn’t the change that would actually change things. change the hard for better. the better for great. i tried to change the people around me - hoping. expelling every ounce of air on the exhale. compressed, believing that on the inhale i could take in new life. not a new life. but newness in the form of trust me. i wanted them to trust me. that i would be there for them and with them. dizzy from the in & out. in & out. disoriented. a loud silence remains 5 years later. a silence that shaped me and continues to shape me in ways that are impossible to understand. & so i keep moving and with each run i can see and feel the change that’s my change. straddling breath knocked out of me kind of fear and dance around the room kind of excitement [and i have been dancing].